


Healthy is the heart that goes on

by axolotlparty



Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Genderqueer Character, gender fluidity
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-17
Updated: 2013-11-17
Packaged: 2018-01-01 19:25:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1047676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/axolotlparty/pseuds/axolotlparty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alternative canon where Julian comes out as genderfluid</p>
            </blockquote>





	Healthy is the heart that goes on

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE NOTE.  
> I based Julian's experiences a lot of my own. I know that this is not what being genderfluid is like for everyone but it's what it's like for me. And yes. Julian, much like myself, is perfectly ok with people using the pronouns associated with the sex on his birth certificate. Inspired by Lenka's song "No Harm Tonight"

 The first time he could remember doing it was when he was 8 in the school talent show. Jules was singing a duet from some musical with one of his female friends. Something from a fairy tale movie about Rapunzel. He felt absolutely _beautiful_ in that lavender dress and long, long wig.

So Jules started doing it whenever he could. His female friends loved having someone new to play makeup games with. He was better at applying eyeliner than most grown women and mastered walking in heels in a day. Of course his father didn’t approve.

“You’re a boy, Jules. And a boy grows into a man. I thought we would have taken care of this when you went to the hospital” was his constant refrain.

But his mother would always find a way to slip some lipgloss into his possession. And when he was up to it, Jules would get a light dusting of blush before he went off to school. Not enough for anyone but them to notice. He didn’t want to get pretty all the time, but when he did it was all he could think about.

Feminine things fascinated and intrigued him, and he didn’t really care why until he turned sixteen. He made an oath unto himself that the first day of Julian Bashir was the last day of anything that could be traced to his genetic engineering, including his girlish pastimes. He locked the memories away but couldn’t wrangle his impulses into submission. When he wanted to give himself a manicure, he made himself haul off to the gym to hit things. Specifically grav-balls.

But all of the grav-balls in the world couldn’t get rid of the will completely. He’d wake up some mornings in medical school in half-done manicures and broken heels and cry over the stupid shit he’d done. And how badly he wanted to remember it all. And how ashamed he was of the whole ordeal.

Then he got to his first official assignment on Deep Space Station 9.

It was like, well, being dropped on an alien planet with no guidebook and only his wits to guide him (which were probably more useful than a guidebook anyway).

He met Garak, the ever-(handsome? No, no, that clumsy Terran word didn’t do him justice. Beautiful. That’s more like it.) Tailor who was every bit as mysterious as he was unashamed of his life. Jadzia, who had lived eight lifetimes as males and females and looked upon both experiences fondly. It’s not like non-binary genders were unheard of. After all, it’s the 24th century! But still, he’d wake up in a holosuite the next morning, crashed in a hotel room upstairs from Vic’s, where he’d put on shows. Julian was careful to erase the memory from everything in the holosuite those nights.

And then his secret was out-Julian Bashir, the genetically engineered marvel who shouldn’t even be allowed to exist, much less practice medicine on a space station. His friendships were over, his career was over. Life as he knew it was over.

Or so he thought.

Through no small miracle he was allowed to remain on the station, keep his medical license and his Starfleet commission, and his friends thought none the less of him. And that’s when he decided it was time to come to life. If they can accept the fact that he could easily take over the station and enslave its inhabitants if the mood struck him, they could surely accept him the way he felt like being.

Garak, of course, was the first to notice Julian’s subtle changes. It was at one of their weekly lunches when he pointed out that Julian ought to get that blob of mascara out of his eyelashes. Julian’s heart nearly lept out of his throat before Garak could pull a mascara tube out of his pocket to give him.

“The replicated cosmetics leave much to be desired, dear doctor. There’s a stand not far down from my shop that sells cosmetics that work for most bipedal humanoids. My sincerest apologies in advance if it melts any part of your pretty face.”

Surely if the ex-assassin tailor of the station could accept Julian the way he was, the rest of the station could, too. And boy was he right.

Captain Sisko gave him a couple of funny looks the first time he showed up to a staff meeting in red lipstick but made nothing of it, just as his Starfleet training had taught him. Dax complimented Julian’s occasional choice to get all dolled up for work. Miles and Julian had great fun in occasional holosuite games where Julian played Mona Lovesit or Honey Bare. Quark stuck by Rule of Acquisition number 201 (The only gender that really matters in a deal is you own male one.). If Major Kira noticed, she didn’t point it out. Odo asked about his inconsistent appearance only once, and Julian explained very calmly and clearly about how he felt. Commander Worf didn’t entirely understand the concept of gender fluidity at all, but he knew that there was no dishonor to be found in it.

And from that point on, Julian never changed for anyone but himself. People would either accept him or they wouldn’t. Julian knew what self-love truly felt like, and he wasn’t going to let go of it for anything


End file.
